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Warning, the surgeon general says this, and all weekly
advice columns, may be bad for your health.
My long-time friends Will and Bob have the combined empathy of an
executioner. But if you're having some problems, or simply want
a question fielded, they contain wisdom across infinite fields.
Please
drop them a line, they want to help.
Week of 17-23 November '03
Welcome to the second installment of everyones favorite we know it-you
don't-so ask us-column! This weeks topic has been a major factor in at
least 6 wars in the past century, helped innumerable amounts of ugly
sons of bitches have a sex life, and pumps through the veins of at
least one major religious icon. Thats right, alcohol. Since we know
you're just dying to read it, we'll get on to the questions:
Fellas,
Well, we all know what a time consuming process
getting trashed on beer can be, plus it ruins your
minty fresh breath. I've heard some girls soak their
tampons in alcohol to speed up the process. Does this
really work, and if so, can I do the same thing
say...rectally? Thanks.
-I'll try anything once
Will: The soaking of tampons (and many
other substances) in alcohol and then forcefully inserting them into
an orifice of choice has long been a part of society. In fact, it
dates back to ancient Rome when partygoers would slay small furry
animals, soak them in wine, and then shove them up their blowholes.
Not only did this get them drunker quicker, it was also the proper way
to give homage to the goddess Sodominatrixes. Modern science has
revealed this to be an effective method for two reasons, 1. Your body
will slowly absorb anything it is put into contact with especially in
such sensitive areas, and 2. It makes you feel all warm and squishy
inside. Even more Modern science then the modernity of the previous
science has revealed that the key to using this method effectively is
not the absorbency of the material, but the absorbency of the
surrounding tissue. Luckily, we have had a team of monkeys working
around the clock to figure out the best method to take advantage of
this, and here's what they've come up with: Instead of using a tampon
we recommend a wire scrub brush. The cuts and abrasions inflicted by
such a device will increase your absorption rate 100 fold. Also,
instead of your standard hard liquor, we recommend barbers alcohol.
Believe me, if it can clean the nasty gunk on your head off of combs,
it can make you see double so fast you'd think you always had. Good
luck!
(p.s. Monkey attrition rates were high, be sure
to work out the kinks by trying it on your good friends/girlfriend/5
dollar whore first)
Bob: So let me get this straight…
You’ve heard of chicks who’ve used tampons soaked in booze?
Awesome.
Anyhoo, although these chicks have managed to
combine two of my favorite things, I can’t say I’d recommend a similar
procedure substituting in your rectum, although I readily admit Will
has far more scientific knowledge than I do, given his extensive art
school training and my dismal computer science education at Harvard.
As I understand it, there would be some alcohol absorption, but in all
honesty, the effects would be negligible. Furthermore, the risk of
you forgetting about how you pre-gamed and accidentally mooning some
nuns or whatnot when you’re in the general inebriated mayhem stage
with a feminine hygiene product hanging out of your ass is just too
much to ignore.
Why don’t you do some shots or make a nice
beer
funnel instead?
Just looking out for you man.
Dudes,
So I keep hearing about this green dragon thing. What is it?
-Curious
Bob: The technological innovation in
this column is astounding; the first question presented a combination
of two of my favorite things (loosely extrapolated, women and booze)
and now I get to talk about a conglomeration of my other two
favorite things:
Booze and weed.
Basically, green dragon is grain alcohol with
THC in it. Making it is easy; get some grain alcohol, throw some herb
in there, let the bottle chill for two to three weeks, strain out the
bud, and voila, you’re good to go.
Come to think of it, I’m giving you a lot of
credit here. Maybe you were talking about
this.
My apologies son.
Will: First of all I'd just like to
say, drugs are bad kids. But since you all do them anyways.... The
most important thing to remember when you're chasing the green dragon
is who you're going to share it with. Do you want some leeching punk
to be chugging your much deserved and labored at cocktail a la
cannabis? Hells no! Do you want your good buddies to sit around and
chat about the joy of friendship while they pound your pride and joy?
Fuck that! Here's what ya gotta do! First, split the bottle into two
parts, chug part A. Now, feeling pretty good and knowing you're in for
a helluva time in about half an hour, feed as much as you can to every
chiquita you're in range of. (I know this won't be many for your
military boys, and believe me, we pity you, but do your best!) Now the
party will be started. To make it really feel like home, start a
bonfire and dance around it praying to whatever horse god you see fit.
When you're all tired out you'll have your newly made harem ready to
please you. As a side note please remember that moderation is the key
to being a boring loser. Go get trashed!
Dear Will and Bob,
What exactly is the deal with the worm in the tequila? Where does
it come from? Why is it there?
Inquiring minds want to know
Will: Okay the tequila worm is
actually a misnomer. There is no such thing as a worm in tequila
bottles. The drink which has a worm and is often confused with tequila
is mezcal. A similar but different alcohol. The worm itself is
the agave worm. There are a couple of theories as to its presence. One
is it guarantees the strength of the liquor, the second is it
supposedly has hallucinogenic properties. Adding the worm dates back
from the 1950's, and while it is often considered a masculine thing to
consume it, in reality it's nothing more then a marketing ploy.
Bob: The real deal is the Mexicans
have been smuggling shiz over our border for years; drugs, alcohol,
people, and those worms they hide in the tequila, to name a few. We
caught on to the worm thing quite some time ago, but the good ole USA
let the practice continue to keep relations high, realizing that the
worm’s presence keeps snobbish rich kids in Connecticut from drinking
tequila. This makes those rich buggers opt for vodka before they go
see the Dave Matthews Band in concert for the seventeenth time, which
in turn boosts our relations with Russia.
It all boils down
to politics, really.
Alrighty kids,
that’s all for this week. Hopefully we all learned something;
knowledge is power after all. Next time we’ll be discussing the ins
and outs of the horizontal hussle (for those of you who have no clue
what that means, sex), so feel free to write a letter on that topic,
or anything else for that matter, but as always, it better be good
damn it.
-Will and Bob
Week
of 03-09 November
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