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Simultaneously
broadcast 200 years in the future
My long-time friends Will and Bob have the combined empathy of an
executioner. But if you're having some problems, or simply want
a question fielded, they contain wisdom across infinite fields.
Please
drop them a line, they want to help.
Week of 03-09 November '03
Welcome to the very
first "Ask Will and Bob". You hosers ask the question, we'll reply
best as we can. No question is too big or too small to be posed here;
it just better be good or we're not replying. Onward.
Dear Will and Bob,
There's
this girl in my economics class I'm really into, but the other day I
tried to talk to her and she told me that my "supply wasn't in
demand." But then the day after that our hands touched when we were
walking out of class. I'm really confused, do you have any tips?
Confused,
-DJ
Will:
D, like all women, what this girl really wants and needs is someone
to take control. A good way to demonstrate your control over her is to
show her you can figure out her phone number, her address, and the
places she goes by calling and showing up at them. This works twofold
because a. you'll demonstrate who wears the pants in the relationship,
and b. you'll show her you care and you're willing to put in the time.
Also, any other men she talks to must be eliminated.
Bob:
She used an economics pun to blow you off -- clearly, this is
the woman for you. I wholeheartedly endorse Will's plan, but I also
urge you to make ec-based puns and pickup lines of your own. For
instance, on your first date, I suggest whipping out little D and
saying "How do you like this accumulation of capital baby?" or perhaps
stare deep into her eyes and say "Your marginal rate of substitution
is infinite." or even "Whoa, you're the most robust structural model
I've seen in a while." Also, spit a lot. Chicks dig saliva.
Dear Will and Bob,
Recently,
my friend and I have gotten into a big argument. I say that Martha
Stewart is hot, and he says that I'm sick. Am I really the only one
who loves her shapely bod and domestic skills?
-Martha's #1 fan
Bob:
I'm with you dude; both Martha's "brownies of death" (which are quite
shapely by the by) and her domestic skills are worthy of love. I just
wish she wasn't such an unattractive bitch. Tell your friend I said
to kick you in the nuts.
Will:
While you should be castrated for such an unmanly gesture I
can totally see where you're coming from. 1. Martha will never let her
man go hungry, 2. Martha is rich as hell, and 3. Martha is insanely
ugly and currently being passed around the cell block like a peace
pipe, so she's probably dying for some hot man love. I'm going to have
to recommend to you the prison correspondence system. Not only is this
your best chance of getting in touch with Martha, but it opens up to
you a whole new world of the opposite sex(assuming anyone still
considers you a man). With this in mind you might be able to swing
conjugal visits not only with Martha, but possibly with her close
friends in there as well.
Dear Will and Bob,
All my
life I've wanted to become a pre-school teacher. But in the past few
years I've discovered I have an intense love for Satan. Are these two
things mutually exclusive? Can you help me figure out how to do both?
-The red playdoh of
death.
Bob:
Mutually exclusive? Are you kidding me? Satan and little kids go
together like R Kelly and... well, little kids. Little female
kids... Anyway, your signature is actually the perfect way to start
off your students' love affair with Lucifer -- I suggest having the
kiddies make playdoh altars to the dark lord. At the end of the day,
you can have a contest to see which altar the students like best, and
whoever created the altar can be ritualistically slain as a sacrifice
for Beelzebub. This activity will not only foster their affections
for our boy Satan, but also off one of the annoying little fuckers in
one fell swoop. Also, if you do the sacrifice right, you get a free
dinner. Cheerio!
Will:
I think Bob pretty much covered this one but there are some things I'd
like to add. While Satanism and Teaching are both very rewarding
career paths, they tend to not be very lucrative. I say offer to take
the children off the parents hands for goodly sums of money. We all
know they only send them to school to get rid of them to begin with.
This way, not only will you be pocketing some extra cash, but you'll
also be gaining minions. These minions are useful for a variety of
activies including but not limited too: beating, using their bodyparts
as construction materials, barter for needed goods, and making your
evening cup of tea.
Dear Bob and Will,
As you guys
suggested, I've been saving my dead skin and nail clippings for some
time now so I can construct a three dimensional heart to give to my
friend Jackie. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get enough fresh man
cream on hand to use in creating this sculpture. Do you guys have any
tips for making more baby batter at a go?
-Dave C.
Will:
Well, I must say you've come to the right place. Being an art student
I am intimately familar with acquiring needed materials. The first
thing you might want to consider picking up is a powered cow milker.
If they can supply the nation with farm fresh milk, I'm sure they can
get your libido into high gear. If you think this will be to time
consuming and costly, then there is a cheap alternative. Take two belt
sanders and stick them between the cushions of your couch. However,
instead of sand paper use material from a "Slip 'n Slide" with an
adequate supply of yer ol ky jelly, which I'm sure you have in good
supply. This way you can create sculpture material while watching tv,
or talking to your parents on the phone. Also, some sort of collection
plate will be necessary. Good luck!
Bob:
So now I'm thinking "Why the heart sculpture?" Instead, why don't you
get a nice heart shaped tin, you know, the sort of thing your grandma
sticks cookies in during the Christimas season. Once you have a
really fancy old lady cookie tin, take a big dump in it, close it up,
put a bow on it real nice like, and pass it on to Jackie. I figure
this is equally disgusting, and a hell of a lot less time consuming.
Nice use of synonyms for semen though; booyes thesaurus, booyes.
That's all for this
week folks. Next week's topic is booze -- ask us anything and
everything you ever wanted to know about the cause of and solution to
all of life's problems, not to mention the inspiration for this
column. Also please feel free to suggest future topics, but if you
give us a crappy suggestion we will track you down and put a bayonett
so far up your fifth point of contact you could pick your teeth with
it.(civilians please disregard this last comment, we'll just kill your
family). Until then!
-Will and Bob
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